February 2024

“Forged by tragedy but not defined by it”

I don’t really sit down with a specific plan in mind to write these blogs. It’s just what deep thoughts and questions come to mind. And lately, many of those things have been about death. My sister and uncle’s passing have brought back a lot of memories that surrounded the ‘period of death’ that I referenced in last months blog. Maybe because it’s been around A LOT lately.

I was fortunate enough to make a quick trip up to Portland, Oregon last month to be there for my Uncle Kevin’s funeral service. My Dad and a former colleague of my Uncle’s both gave tremendous eulogies that honored him and his spirit. I was happy to have been there for all of it. Even though it was a short trip (36 hours) I had many takeaways… and maybe the easiest thing to remember is that it’s always good to be with family. Being with family and longtime friends provides comfort through stories and shared experience. I was lucky to receive all of it. Since we are somewhat isolated here in San Diego, we don’t get as much family time as much as we’d like. In a period of loss, that’s been particularly hard.

My trip also reinforced what I already knew my Uncle Kevin, he was an incredible man…and I also learned that he was still human. Although, it was in his nature to be stoic and positive, he suffered tremendously. That, of course, given the tragedies he endured in his lifetime, was not surprising.

But one quote on the trip hit me like a lighting bolt, “Kevin’s life and strength was forged by tragedy but not defined by it”. WOAH. Forged but not defined…

Many of us that have gone through hard times and some of us live continually in that state, we cannot rid ourselves of the trauma and pain that is so pervasive as part of the human condition. I will be the first to stand up and say, I have lived TOO many days in that state of mind. I made my life about this seemingly unescapable hell, I found ways to force it into conversations, I found ways to use it as an excuse for less than stellar actions or behavior. Yes, I was/am still grieving but there is a difference between allowing yourself to be fortified by the pain, strengthened by the suffering, rebuilt by the uncertainty AND… letting it all define who you are…

Uncle Kevin (center), in the back his boys Connor (left) and Sean (right), flanked by JoJo and her wife Brittany.

It’s not surprise that I think often about how my experiences will impact how I interact, raise, love, discipline, and guide my children. Recently, our church had a series about ‘legacy’. I believe the only REAL legacy I will have will be left in my children… all the good, bad, and ugly.

As I sat in church that day, Pastor Jared said something that really rocked me, “pain that is not transformed will be transmitted.” I sat forward in my seat, I knew this IS among my greatest fears. That somehow, in some festering way I will color my children’s lives with gray, with sadness, with loss, and with cynicism. How tragic would that be if I allowed MY trauma to be generational? How tragic it would be if that ended up being MY legacy?

So let me be the first to tell you one of my most sacred goals is to continue to focus on what the trauma has done FOR me… it has FORGED me.

I am stronger because of it, and I hope that I am a better Dad & Husband, a better brother, friend, and son. I thank God that it’s in my nature to always return to the joy of life, the humor in everything, and the pure bliss of GETTING to be here. I can’t, and won’t ever lose sight of that. That trauma, lurking, always waiting to strike…it’s still there but I WON’T be defined by it.